so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
