My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
