He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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