I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
