Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
