You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize