I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Randomize
