My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
