Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
