Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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