I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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