dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
