I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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