He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize