the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
