Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
