Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
