if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
