You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
