i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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