Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
