You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
