my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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