Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
