The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
