I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
