Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
