did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
