Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
