so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize