Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
