ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
4 words: hood of his car
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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