Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
