I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
This is classic penis vs brain.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
