do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
