Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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