Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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