I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
