Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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