do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
