Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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