Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
