i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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