My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
