I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
