Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
