Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
