He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
