I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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