I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
