I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
