so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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