Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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