12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
