would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
