I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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