I have demons in me.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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