Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
