Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
