She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize