apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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