smell my finger.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize