Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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